Is it Odd...

Is it strange that I can chart the course of my life through Rise Against lyrics? Because I can. I mean, maybe it's because they were one of the first bands I really loved, but I can trace my evolution as a person based on what songs I connect to. I used to connect to some of their more hardcore and angsty tracks back when I thought I was hardcore and angsty. Then later I got into some of their, as I have come to call them, "broken heart ballads" like "Anywhere But Here". Now I'm in the painful process that they call growing up and my song preference has changed. Before the lyrics of "Rumors of  My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated" were a Rosetta stone on how I function as a person, but now I'm growing out of the lyrics of "Pages torn from books we never read/Cause we're plugged into this grid./Don't pull this plug right now,/Or then we'd really have to live." Its honestly a bit frightening really.

I'm no longer concerned with the matters of "When I die, will they remember not/What I did, but what I haven't done?/It's not the end that I fear with each breath/It's life that scares me to death." In fact life is less frightening to me now that I've learned how to deal with the monsters of memory and the dragons of new days. And honestly I'm not sure how I feel about that. I find it strange, but I miss feeling that sadness. I miss the feeling of being special because I'm sad. Because being depressed does have a glamor to it, I mean, hell we have genres devoted to it.

But to cut a ramble short, it's nice and scary at the same time to grow up and Rise Against is kinda like my barometer for telling how I'm doing I guess.

On The Purchase of Renoise

I have no idea why buying a sound editing program would excite me so much, but fuck if it doesn't. I mean...now I can finally get all these beats out of my head and into the world. It's a rather odd feeling, because there's also a bit of...melancholy too. I mean now I feel like I am coming into adult-hood, with the purchase of this tool with which I shall make my bread. It's odd.

Home Again, Home Again

So, for anyone who has been wondering, I haven't been able to get at a computer for a very long time to update this little corner of the web I call my home. But fret not, because I've got stuff incoming.

Stay tuned.

The Night and the Soul

Why is that the night makes us different creatures? I mean, I've had more deep conversations with people at night than in the day. At night we seem to loosen our collars as a soceity. Think about it, how would anything we did in the night fly at day. What about the night turns us into more primal creatures? I don't know why, but I like people at night better than during the day.

I mean...being with friends at night seems more real than hanging with friends durring the day. You get to bond more, you say stuff you wouldn't normally say. Even if you don't drink, you still seem more primal and raw and real at night. Is it the moon? Is it the air?

I honestly don't know, do you?

Some Thoughts

You know...I'm really fucking glad that I didn't have the Internet back when I was 15, even though I could have. I mean, you look at people like Chris-chan and others of his ilk along with others, and I realize that when I was a youngun I would have done the same fucking thing. And that scares me a wee bit, and it makes me glad that I never did that. I have retarded videos of me doing retarded things, but thankfully I never uploaded that shit to Youtube. I realize I could have become interwebz infamous for being a total fucking idiot, and that has a certain...something to it, but shit I am glad I never did it. There is a certain something to being famous on the Internet and having my own group of trolls, fans(which I never would have gotten), and gawkers to watch as I kept being an idiot. But also I could have never grown as a human if I hadn't recorded those stupid shit, mainly because I watch that shit and I realize how much I've grown.

And that's about it.

A Poem A Day

I've been getting in the habit of posting a poem a day, I dunno why, but for some reason it's very...what's the word? I'd say theraputic but...eh...those words don't feel right. I'd say it's much more about...well...keeping moving. I'm trying to write a poem a day to stay with it and to not let my poetics atrophy like they have been doing. Who knows? I might just swing being a poet after all!

Also I think I may get into the habit of posting here erryday, just to do so and to somehow rack up views and maybe even get a couple of new followers!

We'll see though!

That's all for now, peace out!

Night Thougts

It's kinda funny...I always was able to find Orion in the night sky. Hell, it was the most constant and beautiful thing in my life at the time. Now Scorpio is easy to find, perhaps because it has just taken up Orion's vacated place in their eternal struggle. Or maybe it's something to do with me and how my outlook on life has changed that I can now locate Scorpio easier. Most normal people probably don't think the way I do, most people see the stars as stars and leave it be there. But I think it must hold some personal meaning.

I've been sitting on my balcony thinking about the interconnectedness of all things too, and sometimes it's kinda mind-blowing. I mean, I am connected to the trees, the car two spaces away, the refugee in a war torn area of the world, the rich business man, the horrible tyrant, all of it. I am connected to it all and it is all connected to me. Sometimes that fucking blows my mind, sometimes I get depressed, and most of the time it's what gets me to sleep at night. Is that strange? That I can only sleep when I contemplate the meaning of things which intrinsically have no meaning? Fuck I don't know.

It's amazing the things we do to find meaning in a world that has none. I've poured my own personal meaning out there, and things start to look like I might be headed down that path. I might just yet make music and write for a living. That'd be fucking awesome, and maybe the one person reading this will say "Shit I knew him when he was just an angsty little snot-nosed twenty-something". I'll never forget you reader(s). Hell, I've seen people comment on my blog, awesome people. I just wanna thank those people now, so that I don't forget this feeling of gratitude. Thank you. Thank you more than you'll ever know.